Shipwreck: Part V (Chasing Demons)

Paul faces the Reaper.

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The Song:

I'm chasing down these demons
If only for one reason
To find some peace inside of me
When everything wants me to be

Broken, lonely
Lost in my heart
I don't know where to start
When I'm screaming for the tides to change
I want to get back to the life that I had
Instead I'm chasing demons

I've heard that I
Get lost sometimes
Locked up in my own mind
I know that I need a light
To shake me back
When I'm feeling

Broken, lonely
Lost in my heart
I don't know where to start
When I'm screaming for the tides to change
I want to get back to the life that I had
Instead I'm chasing demons

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The Story:

Audio edition:

PART V

I thought by now I would be doing much better. I'm somewhere a month and a half into this stupidity and I'm still constantly getting myself injured, hurt, or going through an anxiety attack. I never expected those to just become a consistent thing. I tried to keep encouraging myself that it would be fine and somebody would find me at some point, but in reality, I had a lot of doubts. Apparently, they were strong enough to consistently tear me down.

I built a bigger fort, and yes I'm calling it fort, because I wanted to start trying to store more instead of constantly foraging. It had been sunny and cool most of the time that I'd been here. That all changed about three nights ago.

I was fixing up my piles of sticks and working on building a little storage section to the housing structure when I felt the first raindrop hit the back of my neck. Initially, I thought it was either a bird crapping on me, or condensation, or dew. When I turned and looked up over the ocean I realized that's not what was occurring.

I had been so busy that I didn't even see the dark clouds rolling in. There was no thunder and there were no lightning flashes but in the midst of the next minute and a half, I watched a wall of water move from out over the horizon to directly over my head. I sprinted to my fort and dove inside. I figured, for the most part, I was going to spend the night completely soaking wet and worrying about drowning. Building where I did not only gave me a decent roof, but the trees above it provided a second covering. That was just enough to keep most of the fort dry. All but the left side.

It rained all night long. I curled up in a ball naked (because my clothes were soaked) under my tree bark blanket. Eventually, I was cold enough to stick my head in there as well and at some point, I dozed off.

I woke up the next day. It seemed about mid-morning and the rain had finally stopped. I looked out and saw there were more clouds far in the distance, but I had no idea how long they would take to get here. I got to work fixing up the leaking side of the roof and then covering the rest of it with another layer of leaves just in case. I threw together a bunch of leaves into some kind of bowlish shape, tied them together with strands from the trees around me, and thought maybe I'd be able to catch some rainwater. There was a stream quite a ways away that I had been going to every morning and getting my fill but I know that can only last so long.

Then the rain started up again. That’s where I am now…completely confused at how long I have been in this grey-soaked abyss. The night was worse, I was trying to keep a fire going but I couldn’t let it burn in the hut because, well, that is a good way to get yourself killed. It didn’t matter much though, because I am losing my mind. I have been having dreams where I am coming face to face with the Reaper himself. Rather than reaching out and taking my life, he asks me questions about every stupid thing I have done in my past. I try to wake myself up and shake off the parts that hurt the most, but I never can. 

The darkness is crushing, and every time I see the Reaper he is standing a little bit closer. It’s started to affect my waking hours. I am seeing shapes, no, I am seeing figures dashing around my home. They bounce across the sand from the treeline to the water, up the outcropping of rocks. Sometimes I can even hear them whisper. 

I walked up to the top of the rocks and looked out, letting the water completely soak me. I was naked but completely alone, it didn’t matter much. I kept looking at the waves as they crashed into the rocks, and the darkest part of me kept whispering one word: jump. It would fix a lot, and I would finally be free from this chaotic nightmare. I wasn’t ready to face the Reaper yet, not outside of my dream state. I pray to find some sanity if this storm ever breaks.

I have failed a lot in my life, and like so many others do, I compartmentalize everything and shove it in a mental filing cabinet somewhere. I never expected to have to face them again. Lord knows, I never thought I would have to face anything like them in this kind of setting. I am terrified to go to sleep, the hooded face of the being forcing me to face myself…I wasn’t good at it. I looked down at the waves again and listened to the crushing sound. Jump.