Shipwreck: Part IV (H-E-L-P)
Paul experiences a declining mental state one month into his journey.
The Song:
Let me spell this out for you
I need H-E-L-P, help me
Sending up signal flares
Sending up smoke
Burning through the wreckage
Trying to find hope
But nobody seems to see this mess
I’m feeling broken and helpless
Will anybody see it in time?
Will anyone care?
I’m screaming out into the night
Is anybody there?
Let me spell this out for you
I need H-E-L-P, help me
I’ve been stranded on my own
I need someone to carry on
Anybody help me carry on?
The Story:
Audio edition:
PART IV
I'm losing my mind and I'm pretty mad about it. I sat there leaning against the rocks staring at the brush that I had so foolishly thought was another human being. Looking at it now I realized how plainly it was just a grouping of leaves. My brain didn’t even let me hear it rustling, instead, it sounded like footsteps. I pummeled my nemesis for about five minutes straight; until there was just a pile of shredded leaves that began to blow away in the night air. I fell back against the rocks and began to cry, loudly. I hoped it would be the last time I would make this mistake.
One of the things my grandfather used to say about me is that I always had a quick wit. Now I was losing that. I was embarrassed not because anyone saw my mistake but because for whatever reason I had convinced myself another person must have been hanging out on the island and, what, watching me this whole time? I had always considered myself to be forward-thinking, and now I’m realizing that I am becoming a product of my predicament. I could feel my breathing begin to quicken, as beads of sweat poured down my face. It wasn’t because of the running, I think…yeah, I think this is a panic attack.
My heart begins to race, it feels like it is about to tear through my chest, and my breathing gets deeper. I feel like I can’t get enough air no matter how hard I try. My hands are trembling and I fall over to my left side as my whole body tenses. My stomach feels like it is flipping over. The feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, and doom rush over me like a tidal wave of despair. My thoughts rush out into the night sky, moving too fast for me to lock onto any of them.
I feel like I am trapped, and I want to escape, but I can’t move. I have never experienced anything like this. My brain and my body have teamed up to shut me down, and I can’t do anything about it. I try so hard just to latch onto any thought, anything that can bring me a moment of reprieve from this feeling of death. I force myself to roll onto my back, and through blurred eyes, stinging from the mixture of sweat and tears, I look up to the stars and scream.
“HEEELLLPPPP!” is all I could muster out.
It worked, for the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I still knew I was frightfully alone, but something about screaming into the void helped. I lay there, spasming as my body slowly began to relax, and I kept my eyes locked to the heavens. I survived this new experience, and nothing else changed.
I pushed myself up, in some fusion of adrenaline and derangement, and began grabbing every stupid stick or log I came across, dragging them across the sand and into a pile. My stomach still hurt, but I was too angry at the universe to think about food right now. If hunger wanted to kill me, let it freaking try.
I must have worked for over an hour straight, fussing incessantly as I did. It had been a month on this island, and not another sign of life. Now I am seeing things and having panic attacks. This has gotten out of hand. How could no one be looking where the ship crashed, isn’t there GPS or something?
Finally, I finished the arrangement and walked backward towards the water. I had a hard time getting my full creation in my view, but it didn’t matter because it wasn’t for me. It was for anyone who could see it. There it was, my massive stick collection that now formed the letters “H-E-L-P”.
I turned back to the water and sat down in the sand. I looked out into the darkness and knew that even with all my effort, the chance of anyone seeing that was slim-to-none. Still, at least I tried, and for the moment it brought some reprieve, only for the moment.
